#so. im talking to angry people now. how do i be angry. dont get me wrong i am angry. so much of the time. but im also cptsd and my anger | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ganondoodle · 1 year ago

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i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo

#ganondoodles talks #also probably sounds like self pity #but this feeling hits everytime i see a super popular artist be the popular cool artist #i am a little weird i know that and thats not somethign bad i think #but the internet never gets to see that much of me #i tend to write posts when i am at my worst bc it has to go somewhere #so the image it tells people is that im a weirdly strong opiniod freak that gets breakdowns over nothing #i also dont feel like im otherwise -cool tm- enough to balance that out #i dont think my art is as stylized or as inventive as others nor am i cool to interact with bc idk how to be cool to interact with #i feel double bad when i misstepped with someone i used to talk to bc of something stupid ... or just dont know what i did wrong #im guessing its especially when i am in that spiraling state of mind where i really am not myself tbh #it still feels very bad bc i feel like i can never make it up to anyone again #sorry i acted like a jerk my brain was exploding in emotions in a desperate attempt to deal with something idk how to deal with-#-and made me not act like myself but now i feel really dumb about it #doesnt sound like a good excuse #... i want to thank those that do stick with me #even if i acted strange sometimes- even if i disappointed sometimes- even when i couldnt keep a promise #there are little things that still make me angry at myself #like that one time i asked in the tags whod read as long as the end of them and if someone did shoudl send me an ask so id draw a lil thing #and i got two #and i kept trying to remeber oh shit i need to do that and forgetting again/not having energy for it in a loop #i still feel like a jerk about it but now its probably too late #i wish i could answer all asks i get but man my energy for that is always rock bottom #no matter how much i enjoy the ask #and i love getting asks!!!#im sorry :((

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unforth · 1 year ago

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Hey if you're a white person (as I am too!) and reading the stuff about End OTW Racism (@end-otw-racism) is making you uncomfortable CONGRATULATIONS THATS THE POINT bipoc have been uncomfortable in fandom for decades and some of yall can't face being uncomfortable for five seconds and still have the gall to have shit like BLM in your descriptions.

Put your money where your mouth is. Be uncomfortable. Actually read what they're talking about and what changes they're proposing instead of jumping right to BuT wHaT aBoUt My DaRk FiC (they want to protect your dark fic and help ensure you're safer from harassment over it!)and ThEy'Re PrO-cEnSoRsHiP (they are explicitly not).

I'm so fucking tired of having my posts and those I reblog on this topic largely ignored on my personal account, but ESPECIALLY I'm furious about how ignored posts on racism in fandom are when I put them on the danmei art sideblogs.

I see racism every single fucking DAY as part of running those accounts. This isn't some nebulous thing happening elsewhere, this is us!

If you don't care, I really need you to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself WHY DONT I CARE?

Because YOU SHOULD FUCKING CARE.

#unforth rambles #end racism in the otw #end otw racism #i was already at my breaking point on this issue a month ago when i started talking more about microaggressions in the mdzs tag #now seeing how impossible it is to get people to give a shit ive moved to fucking FURIOUS #WHY ARENT MORE PEOPLE ANGRY I DONT UNDERSTAND #(i do understand #its racism taking rhe form of complacency and disinterest #from people who have the privilege to ignore it because it makes them uncomfortable and doesnt harm them directly #im honestly gettibg so disgusted #do better white fandom)#im a jewish white woman with biracial kids #it horrifies me to realize that im genuinely not sure if the circles im in would be safe for my half black kids to join #im genuinely not sure i can let my kids join fandom when they get old enough #for fear of what they'll be exposed to here #do yall even realize what a fucking indictment that is?#note this is mostly not aimed at my mutuals #yall are awesome and ilu #but i only have about 75 mutuals #what about the rest of my 1900 followers like wtf guys

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readymades2002 · 25 days ago

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if i might bitch about work for a second: yesterday was hellishly bad despite being able to keep up with it and i found out that apparently our department made 4600 dollars yesterday which is making me angry beyond belieffffffff

#this is math i do fairly often bc i enjoy ho-hum math and hate my job and like #even if we took off 2000 bucks for overhead costs which feels excessive but i will concede it #that would be enough to pay everyone working a little over 860 dollars which is 300 more than what i make in a WEEK #literally WHEREEEEE IS IT WHERE IS IT GOING WHERE IS IT #i dont like following this logic through because on days where there are fewer orders we;d do less #and i disagree with gig work's implementation as ive seen it and i think that would stress people out worse than we already are #(which is significantly)#but at the same time. 850 dollars. i cant afford to buy groceries this week. 850 dollars...#can i get a BONUS or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it makes me soooo angry i was talking to one of the deli guys who asked for a raise and got denied mid-question #before our director accidentally showed him that their department is four thousand of gods own dollars under labor #its so revolting to me i talk to so many people in this store who are terrified because of medical bills or rent or car shit #half my department works two jobs just to get by and ALL OF THEM drive junkers #honestly one of the things thats scaring me about if i actually move out is that i do rely on...living with my mom #i pay for most of my own food i pay an absurd amount of rent to share a room with her but she's willing to drive me to work #even though i've offered to walk multiple times and she REALLY should prioritize her own time more #but at the same time...not having to pay for rides has been carrying me hard #if i got a car i'd be fucked because those things bleed money and generally ethically i disagree with cars #but if i dont its like okay pony up the money learn to navigate buses (except for sunday when they dont run) or get ready #to walk to your job where you walk all day and then walk home in the dark #which. i love walking. and listening to music on my own while walking. so bad example. but i also love not having my feet hurt #all the time always no matter what im doing which is something im becoming increasingly unfamiliar with #its like. ultimately. something's gonna get fucked no matter what #and then i hear a figure like 4600 and i remember how avoidable all of this shit is. how avoidable it is for ANY of us #our ceo is gonna walk away from this merger attempt with 5 billion dollars in safety-cushion money #the 10 top execs beneath him with 1 billion #and its just so. what can you even do. 5 billion. can a number like that even mean anything? how could you possibly need that much #850 dollars would be a lifechanging amount of money for me right now and im not even one of the worst off #its just. god. this world could be anything but what it is but its this and for what

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eclarinet · 4 months ago

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same soup... different day

#hello it is sarah in the tags again #i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again #venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone #anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin #back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye #anyway this time i'd come in for the big D #i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong #i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety #its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc #anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the #isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers #isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and #i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic #anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing #i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche #also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like #ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it #and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this

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turigirl · 7 months ago

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ive decided i shall just Not sleep

#moo.txt #im really tired bht i dont. want to let myself sleep #i sont. deserve it #punishment. or whagever #sorry i really do feel bad venting on here all the time because im just forcing everyonr t #*to. well maybe not listen to me but at least look at my thoughts #instead of like just venting to one person or a server or whatever #but its not like i Have anyone to actually properly talk to #im everyones second choice At Best #and this probably sounds depressing but its not like im wrong. whenever i ppst this stuff i get self conscious but im just. saying it how-#-it is.#like yes im just burdening people but thats already what im fucking doing every minute of my life #i could say [REDACTED] and itd probably get ignored regardless so who cares at this point #ive tried so hard to push people away nobody understands. and i keep coming back like a fucking lonely puppy snd just hurting people more #i need to just be put down #i donf know what to do anymore i feel guilty when people dont talk to me i feel guilty when people DO talk to mw because either way its-#-a reaction to whatever ivs said on here typically #i dont Knkw whst i want anymore orher than [REDACTED]#maybe someday ill get angry enough and just stop censoring myself at all but at least right now i wkll #theres no winning with me because its like. i get sent a message About what ive said and i feel extreme guilt. i get sent a message thats-#-off topic and i feel extreme guilt. i dont get messaged at all and i feel extreme guilt #oh whatever im sitting here spiraling and writing a post that nobody except myself is gonna read least of all pay attention to #an extremely suicidal teenager what else is new.

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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 1 year ago

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if anyone needs me i will be rewatching trigun 98 and tristamp over and over until my brain explodes

#had a bad time in therapy today sigh #first time i cried in front of the new therapist wooooooooo #and we havent even started talking about the painful stuff yet. how tf am i gonna handle that #(spoiler: im not <3 we dont have to talk abt it if i never bring it up)#also being. slammed with nostalgia (/neg) and i cannot get rid of it and it fucking sucks #got a. bad taste in my mouth. from like. everything rn #anyway. if anyone needs me i will be bolting myself into a shitty tin can and sending myself to the bottom of the sea.#not to see the titanic bc im not dumb and full of hubris. but just like. in general #im down there now. i want to fucking explode #sorry bad joke <3 i wanna kms so bad. i wanna wake up tomorrow and be in a universe that is Not This One #aaughrggghrghr. im angry and j dont know what im angry at . i wanna. fling myself into space #so instead i will watch trigun and if i start posting about max in the next day or so well can you blame me.#i hope someone draws him for artfight. specifically. hes rlly cool #i have his page uploaded already but im sooooo bad at making descriptions #oh fuck i also learned how to fucking tag things on artfight now omg. i didnt know that was a thing.#how did i do three years of this shit and not TAG anything. what the fuck #anyway. wish i was a guy covered in blood rn. maybe i should watch hannibal instead #is it time to bring out ol reliable and watch the stab scene from mizumono on a loop again #and perhaps i will listen to sodikken misery meat and people eater. idk. spice it up a little #girls when they say they want to be held: screenshot of the way hannibal holds wills face before gutting him like a fish #im feeling rlly normal rn if you cant tell

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re-ikrmso · 2 years ago

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just more of a slight-vent-ish comic though it honestly could apply to in-lore canon. sorry.

#c!mangie #c!named #. its just. sometimes you just get angry about something about someone. you wonder why things are the way they are and if its all your fault #for it happening in the first place but then i read back and i talked and i forgot that they cared. that they absolved me. comforted me.#love may be a strong word but they cared and i put down what i was thinking. love.#not romantic. we were all friends but we drifted but we cared. im just basically venting and shit now in the tags so dont look anymore.#its just #how did i forget that people really did care all this time when i tried to do the same #art #ocs #my art

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princessmyriad · 11 days ago

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#personal #so. im talking to angry people now. how do i be angry. dont get me wrong i am angry. so much of the time. but im also cptsd and my anger #is quiet and calculated bc drawing attention to myself in my childhood home was not safe. but i need to access #both an immediate anger of volume for a situation im confronting today and also a release. a real release not a compartmentalization #of anger that is old and deep and blocked from me. i need it released ideally before new moon on halloween #i need to know where it sits so deepseated so i can redirect it into magic with the new season #i dont know how to feel it. i dont know if my limitations as an alter will let me but the body needs to. the brain needs to #angry people how do i tap this boiling roiling magma without burning myself alive too #angry #so much rage and ive done so much work to keep it hidden but the time inches ever closer that it must come out somehow #screamy music isnt enough thats my standard music so its lost its rage edge. what works to encourage anger?#google is useless i ask for which crystals help activate anger but they only give me shit to calm and reframe not to actually feel #what needs to be felt.

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forehead451 · 2 months ago

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stream of consciousness type deal.

#people's experiences of you will be so drastically different from what you're like when relaxing/unmasking at home and they'll be shocked #when you live together and you thought you let them see what you were like normally except most of the time theyve seen you at home its an #Occassion™ so ofc im gonna be alert and jumping around and talkative bc theres a lot happening and im really happy theyre there #and i can be still. but once they see me day after day exhausted and overstimulated its different bc i am different #i dont feel like i am but i am #and if they dont believe when you explain whats happening then shit hits the fan #for a while i did not understand why they were getting so mad at me at dinner #the other people there understand how i can be foggy or overstimulated and just need to eat and im happy to be there i just need to not look #at anyone or say much and im dizzy from working all day. i need to mash for a bit all ill be good. theyve been generous to take me as honest #when i tell them what im doing.#but a person who is not used to seeing me that way will start thinking im rolling my eyes at whats being said when im actually staring into #space or trying to refocus or trying to get my body to stay in itself instead of drifting off and they think im quietly judging and ik like #im so sorry but fr im not even listening to the group conversation and im not thinking anything negative about you im just gathering my body #i SWEAR. also its agreed that i take part in a group meal instead of isolating with my food bc i need to eat right now too #now that ive stopped working and im going to go back to working after this meal so. this is what i have to do. it is understood and you're #somewhat new to being here on a daily basis but I'm serious i just have to do this and im not being shady im just Something™#(aka exhausted/overstimulated/neurodivergent.) but when i get up with the gathered dishes without making eye contact im automatically angry #and im judgemental and manipulative and trying to control everyone's mood by making my problems everyone's problems with my sighing and eye #rolling. im like. again im not rolling my eyes im trying to focus my eyes. and im not sighing at whats being said im letting out the breath #i realized ive been holding bc im holding myself back from an anxiety rollercoaster drop bc im very overstimulated rn and i was asked to be #here to share meals and deal with it in front of everyone and you arent understanding that id be doing the same thing in private #nothing's WRONG im just OVERSTIMULATED RN and im pulling my body back and im not thinking anything about ANYONE in this room but im starting #to NOW bc you keep assigning meaning where ive told you repeatedly theres none and i get why you're interpreting it this way but i promise #thats not what im doing and your reasons for why im doing it are not accurate.

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vacalimpia · 4 months ago

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Today I recommend more yuri manga. Recommendations of the day: Doughnuts Under a Crescent Moon and Yuri Espoir!!!

I'll start with DUACM. It's a romance between two office workers, where one of them desperately wishes to be normal with expectations from society and fall in love with a man! But through the story she instead finds love in her co-worker who is a woman instead. It's has a very nice representation of comphet and the romance is very sweet and fluffy!!! The characters are very lovable.

Second is Yuri Espoir! This one is still ongoing though, I must say. But it is really good, as of now it's my favorite one. Essentially, the protagonist finds out she's getting arranged married to a man despite her best wishes, and decides to make a compilation of the yuri couples (as she decides to imagine the girls she sees around her as ww) she sees in her sketchbook with the help of her best friend. A biblioyuri if you will...

So in the story you follow them as the protagonist imagines the varying romance stories that may be happening between girls she sees around her, as well as how it actually is (it always is, indeed, yuri, but it is very interesting)!!! There's also the main plot of her best friend doing her best attempts to help the MC and prevent this arrange marriage that has devastated her friend from happening. It. It gets stressful alright, it gets dark, it is heartrenching at times but it is such a good story... Very engaging...

(Oh and Yuri Espoir would need some CWs for things that appear in the work. CW Suicide, Murder, The whole arrange marriage with a grown man thing, I think there's allusion to disordered eating at some point I dont remember well (?). Please read with discretion if those topics disturb you and you do decide to read it.)

Those are the recommendations of the day!!!

#i talk!!!#tbh these recommendation posts are just me trying to convince you to read yuri manga #(brainwashing) (brainwashing) you love yuri (brainwashing) you want to read these (brainwash #doughnuts under the crescent moon also has some explorations regarding love and sexuality that i am not going to spoil but they are so good #you just have to see them #yuri espoir has a good mix of fun and DEVASTATING!!!#main plot has me stressed nobody understand the mc the way her best friend do no one care about her but her😭😭 (anger)#these people just dont think of her poor girl😭😭 i dislike her teacher i dislike her dad i dislike the man shes getting arrange married to #. o i just hate all the men in the story now that i think about it www THEY ARE JUST SO UNFAIR TO HER😭😭#ITS REALLY DEVASTATING the mc straight up starts with no light in her eyes because of the plot its sad #but its such a good story... its such a good story😭 i s wear JUST. YOU HAVE TO PREPARE TO BE STRESSED OUT #otherwise you might not want to read it even if the biblioyuri sections eat hard BECAUSE THEY DO!!!! THEY REALLY DO #i apparently like to be stressed so its my favorite I JUST REALLY FEEL WHAT SHES GOING THRU OKAY GIRL I GET YOU😭😭😭#like when i say “only her best friend understands her” im not saying it in an endearing way i say it in an ANGRY WAY!!!!#thats how stressful it is I SWEAR I LIKE IT I DESCRIBE IT LIKE IT IS SO STRESS INDUCING I HATE IT THATS NOT THE CASE I REALLY LIKE THE MANGA

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autism-corner · 5 months ago

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does anyone know what the normal amount of hating-someone-for-existing is when overstimulated??? bc i feel like it should be zero and im just a bit quirky.....

#i dont get why i get this angry. just because my mom is talking?? grow up.#im stuck in a place of wanting to validate myself for being simply overstimulated which is. very true.#but at the same time it is hard to accept that being like this makes me. how i currently am.#sillyposting #its fine that im overstimulated but do i have to get SO violent with it??#and ofcourse its easier to direct that violence to myself rather than to people who are literally doing nothing wrong.#but what else am i supposed to do?? i dont WANT to echo “im going to kill myself” around in my head. or put my fingers up as if theyre guns #but there is nothing else left.#its very upsetting.#anyway im off to kms now <3 in a viddy game ofc #very true actually imma play nieR later and im still stuck in a too-hard boss >:(#im good. im fine. just. the horrors yaknow <33 i am safe =w=bb #autism

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autisticlee · 7 months ago

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always told "is better to have 1-2 good friends than 20 not so good friends" or things like that. but... kinda not better tbh. can't rely on 1-2 people to always be there when you need someone. is nice to have more options. gareuntee *someone* can be there at any time.

but reality is I can't have many friends and can't expect 2 friends I do have to pay attention to me when need someone. afraid to annoying them and make them leave like everyone else. so all I can do is suffer alone ._.